And back to school

August 10th. Olivia’s birthday and always the first day of school. Today is the second birthday for Olivia without her brother Josh but the first birthday she remembers without him. He missed her first birthday because he wasn’t born yet and he’s missing her 20th birthday because his earthly days are over. Today we celebrate sis, but we ache so much because this is one of the days Josh never missed, and we miss him. It seems impossible to celebrate anything even though we now know just how much we should be celebrating one another. Happiness in any form is extremely limited right now and that should make its value grow, yet instead we hardly feel a thing.

We know you have not gone far from us because we still feel you, especially today. I didn’t bake her a cake or even buy a cake because that seems impossible. I didn’t even sing her happy birthday, I think I have forgotten how to sing. But, I did celebrate her from the bottom of my heart more than I ever could have since she was born and I became a mom. I celebrated her in quiet, without streamers and balloons, I sat in solitude and thought about the day she was born and every birthday since and all the ways she has brought joy, love and wisdom into our lives. I prayed for her and that her path will take her by calm waters, breathtaking landscapes, and the most beautiful people in the world. Josh has always been Olivia’s hype man, always rooting for her with everything he had. I know that Josh’s life will forever provide a compass for Olivia and she will save him a seat everywhere she goes in life.

It is said that guilt is a big part of grief but I am pushing guilt away from me like a plague, I simply cannot live as a prisoner where I am also the warden. I resign to the fact that I have done my best to celebrate Olivia this year with all I have available to me right now, and outwardly that doesn’t look like much, but on the inside of me I celebrate her more than I ever could have known how to before, from every single molecule that is me. No balloons and cake, no pony rides or circus acts like the birthday parties of years past, simply love. Love is the greatest gift in the world and that is nice because I have little else to offer anyone right now.

I understand now how difficult holiday’s and traditions are when there is an empty seat. There will forever be an empty seat when we gather because Josh is missing and no matter how grand the celebration we can’t look away from that empty seat. But if I turn it inside out, I think instead how blessed and lucky are we that for the rest of our lives, everywhere we go we save a seat for Josh because he is ours and is forever with us. That empty seat represents the life of Josh, and that is worth the extra chair.

To my Olivia, most years on August 10th Josh would wake up and frantically ask me what he should get you for your birthday. As you know, Josh had his own style and way of doing things and when some would be thinking about a birthday gift for weeks, Josh was not bothered by such things. Josh didn’t live in the past and he didn’t live in the future, he somehow figured out that its the present that is all we are given at a moment in time and he took full advantage of that. To put it in other terms, he waited until the last minute and I am no longer nagging him over that. Before the sun set every August 10th Josh had a thoughtful gift to give you, but the best gift he ever gave you was love and he had an unending supply of that reserved especially for you. I have learned that death has no jurisdiction over love and just as you will never cease to love him, he will never cease to love you back. Josh positioned a whole lot of people around us and thanks to a little help from that village, the birthday festivities will go on for you this year. I celebrate you this 20th year Olivia Marie, you are the love of my life.